Friday, September 9, 2016

Trust is hard

As you can tell by the title of this post I have a hard time with trust.  

Not just trusting people but with trusting in God.  Their I said it!  Can ya blame me though?  I'm Type A all the way.  I like to plan and I'm an extrovert so I have no problem spilling my guts to anyone who will listen.  The issue with that is I tend to get hurt...a lot.  Hence, the trust issues.  

About two years ago is when I realized I had a hard time trusting God.  

I was engaged to my best friend of 4 years and I had just picked out my wedding dress (it took me 8 months to find the "right one" so at this point I was pumped).  I remember it was a Sunday afternoon and B walked in from a weekend away with his dad and brothers.  He was shaking and sobbing.  My immediate thought was that something terrible happened. Maybe his dad got hurt or worse,  his Nana died.  Little did I know the terrible thing that was going to happen would be to me.  He claimed he wasn't in love with me anymore and we couldn't get married.  I was blindsided.  

Here was the love of my life, my best friend, the person who I thought God wanted me to be with saying he didn't want to marry me anymore.  I want to emphasize the word  "anymore".  At one point he loved me so much that we moved in together and were engaged.  He even told me  that in his mind he was already married to me and their was no going back.  He said and did all the right things, so I thought.  

You can imagine how mad I was at B and at God.  How could God take away the one person who I thought I could fully rely on?! How can I trust in God if He took away the desire of my heart?! I thought that this man God brought into my life would always be there for me like B claimed to promise.  Promise; what a word.  When someone promises things to me I expect them to keep their word.  Now,  I have a really hard time believing anyone.  I've ruined the start of potential relationships because of my now prominent trust issues.  

But,  I'm learning to trust in people again by trusting in Jesus first.  It is SUPER hard.  Especially after that traumatic life incident. A verse that helped me out of my darkest hour is, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6.  

Guys, do you see what God did their?!  I've always had a hard time trusting in the promises He says He has for us, "Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long" - Psalm 25:4-5, and I put my trust in people instead.  God is now rewiring me to learn to trust in Him first (mind blown).   

If you are going through a challenging time in your life, wondering "why", then I invite you to write down the verses in this post on a note card and keep them in your car, in your desk at work or even write them on your bathroom mirror.  Put it somewhere you can easily access it in times of struggle.  Let it ease your aching heart.  

Love you Always, 

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